A few days ago I received a letter from the President of the Florida Bar. The letter informed me that although I’d been nominated for a pro bono service award, another lawyer was selected to receive the award. When I read the name of the recipient, I smiled and felt a deep sense of pride and contentment. The lawyer selected is one of my closest friends, James Cook, a man whose influence upon me, and my development as a lawyer, can’t be overstated.
This got me thinking about friendship and its impact upon our lives. I’ve never seen myself as one of the “popular kids” and superficial conversation is often quite difficult for me. I’m quite content to be alone reading a book, playing my guitar, or working on my computer. However, I’m nowhere near a complete hermit. I love small dinner parties with close friends where we share stories and great food. I’m very fortunate to have small group of close friends who I have known for many years and with who I feel that I have deeply meaningful relationships.
We all meet many people, probably tens of thousands, in our lifetimes. Yet, most of us have only a few close friends. What distinguishes those who become acquaintances from those who enter our inner circle of friendship? Aristotle wrote that a friend is a single soul living in two bodies and I suspect there is truth to that statement. When I think about my friend, James Cook, an image of our shared passion for justice and life-long scholarship comes to mind. I know that James “gets” the things that are important to me.
However, one might argue that shared passions could just as easily result in competition and rivalry. Consider two young baseball players, both talented and passionate about the game. While it’s true that they might find connection through their shared passion and experience, it’s also likely that they could end-up as competitive rivals.
Science many offer an explanation for why some become friends, others acquaintances, and others our competitors. According to an article published by Psychology Today friendships are established by self-disclosure and reciprocity. Research also shows that once established the friendship is maintained by acceptance, unconditional support, loyalty, and trust. However, the single most important factor in determining who becomes our best friend is more surprising:
“We become best friends with people who boost our self-esteem by affirming our identities as members of certain groups…”
That is, we find validation for our identity from our best friend. This makes sense to me. When I think about my friend James Cook, I think about the kind of person he is and my admiration for both his skill as a lawyer and his dedication to justice and scholarship. These are qualities I seek to cultivate and aspire to in myself. When approached from this perspective, our best friends are those who provide us with a double reward. Like all friends, they provide us with the connection that comes from the friendship itself, but they also provide us with connection to our own identity.
In some ways, this is a little depressing. I like to think that the joy I derive from my friend receiving the award is rooted in some altruistic characteristic within myself. However, if the science is correct, then my joy might be rooted in a sense of self-validation that lawyers like James and me are worthy of award and recognition. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing though. After all, finding within one’s self a connection to the common well being of our fellow human beings, even when it validates our own identity, is hardly a moral failing of epic proportion. Indeed, isn’t this the foundation from which all brotherhoods arise?
Regardless of the underlying psychology, I can’t help but feel fortunate to have James, and my other friends, to share this experience we call life. Maybe it’s true that we’re all alone in the end, but having a fellow traveler around to share the journey sure makes the whole experience much more meaningful.